When one of the partners wants a child, but the other does not

When one of the partners wants a child, but the other does not

Here is one of the most delicate problems of the couple, related at the same time and the desire to have a child. There are such complaints in which one of the partners wants a child, and the other opposes the fulfillment of this desire. Either he claims that he is not ready, or that he doesn't like children, or that he already has them from another marriage.

Every situation is unique, as is every couple. It is impossible to analyze a general situation or to construct a hypothetical situation of this kind. First of all because we don't know:

What does denial of having children mean?

He is related to her inconvenience, suffering, trauma that is associated with children.

People who had many younger brothers, whom they were forced to raise, to bear crying, not to retort when the little ones took or ruined things, to "lose" their mother so many times in favor how much for a baby she cares about a lot.

This can be a cause of rejection of children and especially of babies, about whom the image of these people is that they are greedy, uncomfortable, non-cooperative, you can do nothing with them, they are not fun, they disturb you all the time, they destroy your nerves - that is exactly how they suffered when they were still too young to be with a baby.

Another situation is that in which the baby is a rival or an intruder. The "destroy the "life of the couple, the two are no longer able to spend their time together, to go around and anytime, each to only consider the other. The child is felt as an intruder that you cannot escape, from which you cannot take a break, who steals your partner, whom the partner loves and cares more.

We meet the baby as well "responsibility", usually considered too large, which cannot be assumed. It's like an exam, a test, as we meet in the stories, which Fat Frumos has to pass, an extremely difficult test, which all the others could not pass.

Or around us we always see people with children. How did they do it? How did our own parents do? It is very important to what this responsibility refers. What is considered impregnable from what we imagine a child to mean?

The memory of one's own childhood is also sometimes an impediment to the desire to lead life further. Frustrating, traumatizing situations, suffering in childhood and leading to an association between the child and something bad or adults trying to avoid the suffering of their own child. "Do not suffer what I suffered" or "It is bad to be a child". It's an attempt not to take the suffering any further.

Others were told in a pessimistic way about events in their childhood, their parents were constantly crying: "I was going to die when I was born", "Only fools did when you were young", "You ate my soul" "until" I better not do you ". Sure, some of them are forgotten with the passage of time, but there remains a painful association that later becomes expressed in "I do not like children", "I am afraid to have children", "I do not feel able to I grow them "," It's too much for me, I don't feel ready ".

Besides these, there are many other cases, some of them very sad, such as the death of a child, a sick child, a child born with a malformation, a woman who died at birth, a couple who separated immediately after the birth of the child. about which we heard, which we witnessed when we were young, which we fear without realizing. They are always things that are not clear to us, that we have forgotten, which we claim do not influence us, but which act as a prohibition, as a fear, as an avoidance.

The reasons invoked, however, sound quite different: lack of money, lack of free time, lack of a home, lack of commitment, fear of not coping, desire to have a career, etc. What is behind them? What is so powerful about defeating the natural desire to have descendants?

Anca Munteanu

Psychologist - Child psychology

Center of Action Psychology and Psychotherapy

On the same topic:

What do you do when the man next to you is not ready to become a father

When is the right time to become a dad

When he doesn't want children

Fear of becoming a dad

How your life changes when you become a father

How to be an ideal partner in pregnancy?

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